All I want for Christmas

For the first time since 2008, we will have all of our children and grandchildren under the same roof at the same time. What a wonderful gift for Christmas! Even as I type "all of our children", I am acutely aware that Trey will not be here with us physically. He will always be here in our hearts. Funny thoughts come to mind: no one will be disappointed because Trey drew their names-he was sort of a cheap gift giver. OR when he wasn't, he was certain to point out the dollar value so you'd know he spent a lot! No one will be talking like a pirate, a sure sign Trey had had too much Christmas spirit!
The nieces and nephews who have been born since Trey died will never know his sense of humor or zest for fun. I see traces of him and Trinity in Caden. Gannen and Laiton are the only ones who remember Trey, other than stories from their parents.
How am I now? Much better that the searing pain has for the most part subsided. I miss Trey terribly and wish that I could talk to him or hear his goofy laugh. I long to hear him say that the best gift he could give me is his presence! I cherish the memories of him, good and bad, and am satisfied that at last, he is at peace with himself and has self value.
All I want for Christmas is my family in the same place under one roof, overflowing our home with love and laughter.

Merry Christmas!

I'm back

I'm finally back! I guess I haven't really felt like I've had a lot to say. Maybe I'm just lazy. Who knows? At any rate, I'm here. I am about to launch a career at a different entity. I have been traveling to different school districts serving as a technology integration specialist for three years. I've built relationships, served teachers and students, and tried out a lot of different rental cars. One day I came in to work, and I got the, "I need to talk to you in my office" spiel. I went from a technology integration specialist to an information security liaison. I know, right? You're wondering, "What the heck is that?" I still am. It involves stuff like writing password policies and procedures and something about data encryption. Riveting, huh? That was about a month ago. I found out just how much of a people person I am. I have cried and prayed and griped (a lot) at home. I feel like a fish out of water in this cubicle world. So I've summoned my courage and entrepreneur inner being. I put together a proposal and sent it to key people. Because of that, I was offered an instructional technologist position in a school district for more pay than I'm receiving now, with more freedom to continue coaching in other places, the ability to present at key conferences, and some extra benefits. It is so true that when one door closes, God makes sure there is another door open. It's not generally at the time you want it to happen or where you thought it would be, but there is an opportunity. I believe God has a plan for me and for each one of us. That plan could include a winding road or a path that leads us right back where we started, but it is a greater plan than we can even imagine for ourselves.

Grandmother Grateful

It's been a few months since I've blogged, but I'm back. I recently had the privilege of going to Las Vegas to celebrate my maternal grandmother's 90th birthday. What a life she has lived! If you stop to think about it, she has seen the inventions of:

• 1925 Modern day can opener
• 1927 Aerosol can
• 1929 Car radio
• 1930 Jet engine
• 1931 Electric razor
• 1932 Electric can opener
• 1934 Zippo lighter
• 1935 Radar
• 1937 Dirt Devel
• 1939 Helicopter
• 1940 Modern color television
• 1941 Artificial heart
• 1943 Slinky
• 1944 Kidney dialysis machine
• 1945 Clock Radio
• 1946 Disposable Diapers
• 1950 Alkaline batteries
• 1951 Power steering
• 1953 Black box flight recorder
• 1956 Behind the ear hearing aid
• 1958 Pacemaker
• 1959 Black and Decker cordless drill
• 1960 Stereos/hi-fi
• 1961 Kodak Instamatic
• 1962 LED
• 1968 Smoke detector
• 1969 The internet
• 1970 Digital thermometer
• 1971 Pocket calculator
• 1973 The ethernet
• 1975 Kodak digital camera
• 1976 Lithium batteries
• 1980 Sony Walkman
• 1981 Epson HX-20 world's first laptop
• 1983 Commodore 64
• 1984 Sony Discman
• 1985 Leatherman
• 1986 Bose headphones
• 1987 Camcorder
• 1988 Digital mobile phones
• 1989 World Wide Web
• and much more!

Wow! That's quite a list, not to mention she has lived through World War 2, the Korean War, Vietnam War, Afghanistan, and the war on terrorists. She's also lived through 15 sitting Presidents, including some who've been elected for two terms. 

My grandmother was married to an Air Force pilot who was career military, served in three wars, and retired as a Lt. Col. He preceded her in death in 1991. She raised three children during difficult times; while her husband was stationed in other countries; during the Cold War when my grandfather was working at the Pentagon; and during the 60's and 70's when teenage rebellion was rampant. Yet, my grandmother will tell you she's lived through the best times our country has seen. 

My grandmother is the classiest lady I have ever met. She has been the maternal stable figure in my life for as long as I can remember. She has morphed into a legend of class, beauty, and sophistication. What an honor to get to walk through my life with her and to celebrate such a milestone birthday. I hope my beautiful grandmother lives to be a healthy centenarian because I honestly don't know what I would do without her!

Chevron

Have you ever really noticed the chevron pattern? It's wildly popular and comes in many different colors. As I ponder the pattern, I notice the zig-zags, the peaks and valleys, the sharp v's. This can be a parallel to my life. Do you ever feel like you are on top of the world one minute, and take a sharp dive the next? As I watched my grandson play basketball at the state tournament, I was so elated and proud, caught up in the moment of victory with his team-only to turn around and start crying uncontrollably. The reason? A memory of my son playing at the state tournament stabbed my heart and slammed me down. How can so many conflicting emotions exist simultaneously? The human mind and heart are mysterious, marvelous, and cryptic. I'm thankful that the Creator opens His arms for me to run into no matter where I am on that chevron pattern, and that He fearfully and wonderfully made me.

Tents

This week I attended the funeral of a friend of mine. She was just a few years older than I am, which always makes you start reminiscing. From my own experience, and others who have told me, your body starts creaking, snapping, popping, and your metabolism seems to all but stop working. The body I once had has rearranged itself, and I sometimes don't even recognize it. You are probably wondering where I am going with this! (grinning) Back to the funeral--the pastor referenced 2 Corinthians 5:1 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  That tent expands and contracts through the years. It gets wind blown, rained and snowed on. The tent's original fabric gets tattered, dry, torn, patched up, it shrinks and gets threadbare, and sometimes it just collapses. The rigging needs reinforcement and some parts need to be replaced. Would you rather live in a tent or a permanent home?

Our earthly bodies are the tents in which our soul live. Our bodies grow from the time we are born until we are in our early twenties. Sometimes our bodies grow because we are gaining weight, having a baby, or taking a medication. Other times, our bodies shrink from weight loss, chemo, or just plain getting older. We weather storms in our lives-sickness, death of a family member or friend, wayward children, loss of jobs, divorce-but we make it through. Just like a tent, we may have to be patched because of bodily injury. We may need new hips or knees, or have to have back surgery, or even deal with amputation. We may feel so tired that it seems we can't take another step, threadbare. Our skin eventually gets dry and wrinkly, and shows scars. Sometimes our scars don't show. There are times that we simply want to give up, collapse. 

We have to keep in mind that our earthly tents WILL be destroyed. We will die, and our souls will be set free to live in an eternal house in Heaven. We won't hurt, crack, pop, be tired, or feel like collapsing. I will get a permanent home. Praise God for giving us a hope and a future!

Seasons

You just never know what to expect in the Texas Panhandle as far as weather goes. I always get antsy about springtime. The grass greens, the trees bud out, and I get flower fever. However, I usually try to wait until at least after Easter or even Mother's Day to plant flowers. It's a good thing I waited this year. Just when I thought we were past the worst of winter, we had a hard freeze and a snow in April! Our trees already had beautiful leaves, and now the leaves are brown on the edges and a little yellow in hue. Many of them have fallen off in the ferocious spring wind.
As I looked at and fretted over the trees, it occurred to me there was a correlation between seasons of our lives and nature's seasons. There are times when we feel comfortable, warm, and like we are blossoming. We get complacent and feel invincible. We feel in control. Then, BOOM, something dark and cold hits us like a freeze in nature. We curl up like the leaves on the trees. Some of us stay curled up for a very long time, some just give up and fall into a deep depression just as the leaves are blown from the trees, helter skelter with no direction. Others decide to hang on for dear life, seeking strength from the fragile stems clinging to the branches. We search for answers, pray, plead, and seek advice and consolation from those we consider to be oaks, strong and steadfast. The sun shines on the leaves, causing them to surge with new life and urges them to continue with the business of photosynthesis bringing oxygen to our lungs. The Son shines on us, reviving us and gently prodding us to get on with the business of taking care of our families and jobs. We can breathe deeply and feel new life and hope surging through our veins. God is always there, during the bitter cold, the sweltering heat, and the comfortable temperatures. It reminds me that we have to have the extremes to appreciate the calm even more.

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Fire

As I was driving along to one of my schools, I noticed a burned-out area of grass. It was the remains of a fire that could have been started by any number of things: a hot tire, a cigarette butt, ... Who knows? What really caught my attention, however, was that in the area where the fire had destroyed the dead grass, there was lush, beautiful, green grass growing. Tall, yellow, dead grass surrounded the charred area. What was untouched by the fire still remained dead and lifeless.
I started thinking (of course) about how that applies to my life. On Easter Sunday, it will mark three years since Trey joined Jesus in Heaven. The date lies ahead, foreboding, telling of a terrible tragedy that leaves a searing hole in my heart. It's like a fire that destroys, kills, and leaves you feeling charred and helpless. It stinks, it hurts, it makes you feel like you have some fiery scarlet letter tattooed on your chest that screams, "I've joined the club that no one wants to be a part of!"
At first, all you can think about is what has been taken from you. The words "dead" and "death", when spoken, stop your heart. You can't breathe, as if you are being choked by some unknown force. You want to smother any flames of happiness and roll around in the ashes. I still feel like getting all of Trey's pictures out and just rolling around on them to soak up more of him.
As time passes by, you stumble around in the smoke, the fog of having to go about your daily life, even when you don't feel like it. You wonder how the rest of the world gets to move on, and wonder if they know your heart still feels as if it is being enveloped and choked out by the haze of disbelief and grief.
Anger flares up at anyone who dares to tell you they know how you feel. No one knows how I feel, except another mother of a son whose life has been snuffed out. Then the atrophy begins. Just as a fire makes everything brittle, my body becomes a shell, my inner self dead. I function because I know I have to. I do the everyday things that a wife and mother does. I try to be "normal", but I only go through the motions because my senses are numb. I get angry with myself because I want to be "better". I pray and plead with God to help me. But I don't let Him help me, because in some twisted way, I feel that if I get better, that means I won't miss Trey as much. I don't want to forget anything about Him, and I don't want anyone else to either. I am saddened that no one really wants to talk about Trey. It seems awkward and makes people uncomfortable.
As time has gone on, I feel God's presence more and am thankful that Trey is safe with Him. I allow God to enter my heart and breathe life into this shell. I still yearn for Trey's physical presence, his voice, the smell of his cologne, that crazy laugh...I slowly begin to learn that it's alright to laugh again, to have fun. I don't even realize the slow progression of joy creeping back into my life. I continue to listen to my Christian radio station, I claim gratitude, and start to notice the green "sprouts" in my life. I unwittingly become a counselor for other mothers. I discover that my burned body can feel love, desire, joy, and and a new awakening.  I have strength I never knew I had, God-given, mercy, grace-touched strength.
The new life in the burned-out area and and in my spirit mirror one another. I am thankful for the parallelism. Do I still stumble and choke and look back at the "fire" that scarred my life? Yes, but do I stay and let the flames of despair totally engulf me? No, because God has shown me His mercy and reassured me that I am His child. Trey is His child as well, and already experiences the eternal kingdom I will someday enter with thanksgiving.
Fire represents many things, including bringing renewal and new growth. Thank you, God, for reminding me of your great mercies!

Revelation 21:

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Proverbs 40:31